


Our Happiest Memory

by somniumfelix



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Falling In Love, Falling Out of Love, First Kiss, Fluff, Heartbreak, M/M, Patronus Charm (Harry Potter), Post-Break Up, Reflection, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-04
Updated: 2020-10-04
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:54:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26825479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somniumfelix/pseuds/somniumfelix
Summary: Remus promised he'd never fall out of love with him, but fourteen years on, Sirius learns that's not quite true.Alternatively, the two times Sirius tried to cast a Patronus, and the only time he was even able to do it.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin (past)
Comments: 11
Kudos: 43





	Our Happiest Memory

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Marauder_Emaelyn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Marauder_Emaelyn/gifts).



> Mwahaha~  
> Just a short lil one to keep the creative juices flowing in the run up to NaNoWriMo!  
> For Em, as revenge! Love you, hope this is at least a little bit as painful as what you put us through! <3

Slipping a hand through his hair, Remus chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Please, Moony!" Sirius pleaded, hands clasped together and shaking, a splitting grin on his face, and Remus was almost shocked he didn't drop to his knees. "You  _ have  _ to teach me!"

"Sure."

"Because it's just so awesome, and I can't believe you can already do it, and-!" Sirius paused, and his eyebrows furrowed, a crease appearing on his forehead, "What?"

Remus laughed, "Yes, I said yes! I'll teach you." 

"Really?" With a tilt of his head, Sirius's eyes widened, shining silver in the sun reflected from the Black Lake, and Remus's heart warmed. Remus nodded, and his friend looked even more thrilled than a moment before, leaping up and wrapping his arms tightly around him. "Yay! I'm gonna learn how to cast a Patronus!"

"Calm down, Pads!" Remus willed his pulse to slow, peeling Sirius gently from him. "It's not easy, and you might not be able to do it."

"Remus, you taught yourself how to cast a Patronus at sixteen bloody years old  _ just  _ because you were bored! If you can do it, it shouldn't be that hard for you to teach me!"

Sirius was right, as usual. If a sixth-year student could teach himself how to cast a corporeal Patronus in a few months simply because he had nothing better to do, then he could show another incredibly gifted Gryffindor how to do it too. 

Remus, pulling his wand from his cloak pocket, shrugged with a smile. 

"Alright, then. No time like the present?" Sirius's bright grin answered, and the older boy produced his wand too. "We should be far enough away so no one can see. I- uh, I don't want anyone to see my Patronus."

"Why not?"

"Well-"

He sighed, sucking in a deep breath and closing his eyes for a moment, then flicked his wrist. "Expecto Patronum!" 

From the end of Remus's wand flew out silvery-blue wisps, shining stark against the orange glow of the setting sun. A wolf, in the same ghostly colours, came about to circle them, pacing around, before tilting his head back in a silent howl, and Sirius looked on, awed.

"A wolf?"

"Ironic, right?" Remus laughed unamusedly, but smiling despite himself when Sirius laid a hand on his shoulder. 

"It's perfect. Very you," Padfoot snorted, earning himself an elbow in the side. "Now show me how to do one!"

\---

"You need to get this right, Sirius," Remus grumbled, his Patronus disappearing around him as he tried to look at Sirius. He couldn't. "Dumbledore said-"

"I know perfectly well what that old bastard said, alright, Lupin?!" Sirius hissed, his back sliding down the wall as he curled up on the floor. His wand stayed tight in his grip, his knuckles going white.

"Then you know," Remus begged for his voice to stay level. Controlled. Calm. "That you can't leave here without being able to cast a Patronus. You're still wanted, and if the dementors come after you..."

"Yeah, my soul is sucked out. Won't make much difference, though. I already feel like it's being sucked out every second I stay here."

Remus knew it wasn't easy for Sirius being stuck in his childhood home, certainly not with tensions rising between him and Molly, with no escape, unable to see Harry. It hadn't been easy while it was the two of them locked up in Remus's cottage when Sirius had to lie low either - so they really ought to be used to it by now.

Pushing himself off of the wall, Remus walked over to Sirius, holding a hand out to help him up. "Well then, best keep practising."

Sirius stood up without taking Remus's hand, unable to help the small glare he gave him. It wasn't meant to be like this - he should remember how to cast a Patronus. He learnt how to do it at sixteen! With Remus's help, too! So why, when his life depended on it, did he fail?

"Fine. Expecto Patronum!" Flourishing his wand, Sirius felt himself deflate, although expecting nothing more than a few disappointing silver threads to spark from his wand. 

"You need-"

"Shut it, Remus! I've got it!" He hissed, "Expecto Patronum!" Nothing, again. "Expecto Patronum! Expecto Patronum!"

\---

"So," Remus beamed, wrapping his hand around Sirius's where it clutched his wand. "This is the movement." He flicked both their wrists in a circle, before letting go, wishing for the warmth on his skin to return. "Got it?"

"I think so..." Sirius concentrated, flicking his wrist once, then twice more. "And it's just Expecto Patronum, right?" He sucked in a breath, ready to shout the incantation, just for Remus's hand to lay on his wand.

" _ Yes _ , but there's a little more."

"What?"

"You need to think of something happy," Remus explained. "But it needs to be  _ really  _ happy. A moment in your life that totally fills you with complete and utter joy. Just a really,  _ really  _ powerful memory. We're basically trying to make them fear happiness, I guess?" The smile on Remus's face seemed impossibly large, but faltered a little when Sirius's eyebrows furrowed and eyes darkened. 

"Powerful?"

"Very."

"Well, what did you think of?" Sirius met Remus's eyes, curiosity bubbling away within the grey, and he didn't miss how Remus's cheeks reddened a little and smile returned. 

"Ah, well," Remus rubbed at the back of his neck, "I think of our second Christmas here. You know, just after you guys figured out I was a werewolf, and you refused to go home to your family. There was no one else in the common room, and the four of us got to sit in front of the fire that morning and open the presents we got for each other!"

"Moony," Sirius said softly, taking a step closer to his friend and resting the hand not holding his wand gently on his shoulder, "We do that every year now."

"But that was the first time since you guys knew, Sirius. You knew what I was, and that didn't scare you."

"I still remember what I got for you that year!" Sirius chuckled, his hand dropping despite wanting to keep it there. "You loved that jumper."

"Still do," Reminded Remus, "It still fits!" The two fell into laughter, Sirius insulting Remus jokingly for still being the size of a twelve-year-old.

Eventually, calming down again, Remus watched as his friends face dropped once more. "I still can't think of anything."

"A memory?"

"Nothing I think of is powerful. I mean, sure, I have some wonderful memories with you lot, but that's all lots of small, amazing moments. Not one thing that makes me weep with joy!"

"What about..." Remus pondered, his finger tapping his chin in a way that Sirius found endearing, "What about when you first walked into Hogwarts?"

"And wondered if I'd survive the trip back home for Christmas when I got sorted into Gryffindor?" Sirius snorted.

"Touche. What about when you first turned into Padfoot?"

"Nope!" Sirius shouted, his eyes wide and face grimacing. "Sure, it was cool, but do you remember when I had to deal with that dog tail for over a week because it went wrong?! I was just glad the fucking process was done and over with!" He huffed, arms folding, before he snapped his head to look at Remus, "Not that I regret it! Helping you was the best thing I ever did!" He added, rushed.

"I know, Pads, I know," Remus chuckled. Without thinking, Remus took a step closer to his friend, looking up at him, only inches apart.

\---

Remus dragged his hand through his hair once again, pursing his lips to stop himself from shouting out. He lowered his brows, and sighed.

"Don't make that face at me, Remus." Sirius spat, eyes rolling. "If you want to say something, just say it!"

"I was only going to ask what you were thinking about."

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"Yes, nothing!" Sirius stormed over to Remus, pushing him on the shoulder, "I wasn't thinking of anything!"

Pressing his lips even tighter together, Remus was unable to stop the groan in his throat. "Well that's not going to do anything, it is? It has to be-"

"Happy, yes, I know! Don't go treating me like one of your students, okay!" Sirius's eyes were storming, and while Remus wasn't glad he was angry, he was glad that there was something in his gaze that wasn't stoicness. 

"Fine, but you need to learn how to do this, so get thinking of something, and fast."

"Or what?" Sirius asked sarcastically, "Going to take the same approach as last time, hm?"

"No."

"Wow, you didn't even think about that, did you?"

Remus stuffed his hands into his blazer pockets to stop himself from doing anything - punching a wall was most likely, but punching Sirius followed soon after that. "No, I didn't. I didn't need to. I should never have done that. It was-"

"A mistake?" Sirius barked with laughter, snarling in a way that reminded Remus of Padfoot. "You thought it was a mistake."

"No, I didn't."

"Don't lie to me."

Remus closed his eyes and counted to three, balling his hands into tighter fists in his pockets, inhaling and exhaling slowly. 

"Then," Remus finally said, feeling the anger slipping from his body after a moment, and glossing over Sirius's comment altogether, "Why don't you think of that? That's what made you cast your first Patronus, maybe it could help you this time?"

Remus wondered if Sirius could roll his eyes any harder.

\---

"Remus?" Sirius whispered, tilting his head down to look at his friend, breath catching in his throat. 

"Let me thank you. For everything you went through," Remus clarified, bringing his hand to Sirius's cheek, laying it gently on his cold skin.

"We've been over this," He laughed lowly, pressing his face further into Moony's hand. "You don't need to thank me. I wanted to help you, and I'm so glad I could, even just a little."

Remus inched a little closer, gently pulling Sirius's face closer to his, "Please?" He murmured, "Just... let's see if you can cast a Patronus after this, okay?"

"After what?"

Before Sirius got an answer, he felt Remus's lips press to his own tenderly, like butterfly wings fluttering or the ocean lapping softly on the shore, and he never wanted to pull away. He bought his hand to the back of Remus's neck, pulling him impossibly closer, tilting his head as he melted further into the kiss. He was trembling, shivering under Remus's touch - finally kissing the boy he'd been dreaming of for years - and Remus seemed to be doing the same. 

Remus's hand slipped up into Sirius's hair, running his fingers lovingly through the dark locks, and his other stayed on his cheek, thumb working over the warming skin.

"Now," Remus smiled when he pulled back, voice wavering a little as he looked at Sirius with shining lips and messy hair, "Maybe that's good enough?"

"Confident, are we?" Sirius jested.

"Not confident. Just a long time coming, I think..."

"It was."

\---

"Oh yeah," Sirius blurted, "Because thinking of making out with your ex-boyfriend is a brilliant idea, isn't it? You were meant to be the smart one, Remus."

"All I was trying to do was help! It was just a suggestion!"

"And why the hell would you suggest  _ that _ , of all things?" He stepped closer again, and they fell into a far too familiar position, until Sirius pushed him again square in the chest. "We aren't together anymore! You made that perfectly clear when you said no more than two words to me over the summer, Lupin! I tried and tried, and you gave me nothing back!"

"What was I meant to do?!" Remus was yelling now, keeping his hands deep in his pocket. He felt the wolf clawing at his chest, and he twitched fearfully. "We didn't break up because you went to Azkaban, Sirus! We broke up before that when you thought I was a fucking Death Eater!"

"And you thought I was one, too. Don't pin this all on me."

"You started it, Sirius, you know you did. If you hadn't suggested I was leaving because-"

"If I hadn't suggested you were one of  _ them,  _ then you wouldn't have blamed me, Peter wouldn't be missing, and Harry would have a goddamn family that wasn't his ex-con godfather and his ex-teacher-slash-werewolf,  _ I know that, Remus _ !" He hissed, shaking with anger and glaring at Remus. "Stop reminding me where it all went wrong, alright?!"

Remus stayed silent. 

Where exactly  _ had  _ it all gone wrong? When Remus didn't tell his boyfriend where he went off to under Dumbledores instruction? Perhaps it was when Remus walked out of their shared flat one last time, planning to see Sirius on his birthday (and maybe even talk it out, he was in love with him, after all) only to find out he'd murdered their best friends and was locked up for life. Maybe, just maybe, it was the moment Remus kissed him, back in their sixth year.

"You know," Sirius said, his voice horrible calm, sending shivers up Remus's spine, "I wonder if you ever loved me at all."

"Of course I did."

"Just not anymore?"

"Not anymore." Remus shrugged, "Too much happened, Sirius. When people are in love, they're meant to trust each other. We lost that a long time ago."

Gnawing on his lower lip, suddenly looking anxious rather than angry, Sirius took a step back. "Do you think you'll ever love me again?"

"Probably not," Remus admitted, feeling his heart shatter in his chest. He tried to convince himself he was lying. He  _ wanted  _ to be in love with Sirius again. But it wasn't worth it.

"You know what?" Sirius smiled small and unnervingly, "I think I'll be perfectly fine staying locked up in here as long as you-" He pointed at Remus, snapping a touch as he did, "Stay away from me."

\---

Sirius looked fondly into his boyfriend's eyes, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around him. A dog and wolf, both bright and silvery and shining, ran around them, bumping into the backs of their legs and knocking them closer together. 

"I told you it would work," Remus chuckled, kissing the end of Sirius's nose as he scrunched his face up.

"And I told you. Confident."

"I love you," The younger boy smiled, eyes flickering between staring at Sirius and watching the two lively canines playfight, bounding about and barking silently. Of course their Patronus's would fit together as perfectly as they did. 

"I love you too," Sirius hummed, bending down a little further to kiss his boyfriend on his forehead, then cheek, then nose and finally his lips, all delicate and soft and soothing.

"I don't think I'll ever stop loving you," Remus promised.

"Never?"

"Never," Remus, at sixteen, wrapped in his boyfriend's arms, herded close by two silvery figures, echoed. "I'll never stop loving you, no matter what life throws our way."


End file.
